


Entrance Visa

by Meilan_Firaga



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Men in Black (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-24
Updated: 2018-08-24
Packaged: 2019-07-02 02:40:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15787278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meilan_Firaga/pseuds/Meilan_Firaga
Summary: The first trip the Guardians of the Galaxy took to Earth should have been a nice, routine visit. Nothing ever goes to plan, though. Especially when customs is involved.





	Entrance Visa

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ANGSWIN](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ANGSWIN/gifts).



> Written for ANGSWIN as part of the 2018 MCU Alternate Universe Crossover Exchange. 
> 
> Many thanks to [ibelieveinturtles](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ibelieveinturtles) for excellent beta work!

Visiting Terra was meant to be a good time. See some sights. Check in on Quill’s family. Find some new music. Maybe grab one of those pizzas Quill was always complaining just weren’t the same when they made them on the ship. Easy peasy little spot of vacation for the whole crew. They were even making an effort to be good and do things on the up and up! They’d made the official landing and visitation request through the appropriate channels of Earth’s undercover agency that had been dealing with alien phenomena for the better part of the century. They’d even been upfront about their status as redeemed criminals in an effort to show how much they were honest, upstanding galactic citizens.

They were detained immediately, of course. 

Between the extensive collection of weaponry, the brightly colored ship, and the fact that they weren’t all easily able to blend in with humans they were a prime target for an automatic search. Of course, when the search happened nothing went as planned. None of them were capable of “coming quietly” when it came to authority figures. Drax didn’t understand half of the imprecise language the agents used. Gamora took offense to a particularly flirtatious comment floated in her direction. Groot responded to all questions in their usual bored teenager way, and Quill and Rocket… Well, they were themselves. Barely two minutes after they were pulled aside for their random search they were directed to a holding cell. Politely. The Men in Black only had to tase them twice to get there. 

Which led to them lounging in a white room with uncomfortable chairs and a big steel table bolted to the floor. All of them but Mantis, that is. Having been the only polite one, she was led to a small cafeteria where a group of worms set about trying to teach her about sexual innuendo while the others were questioned. The situation being less than ideal led to bickering. Bickering led to a full on argument. Gamora had to restrain Drax against one wall while Peter kept a firm grip on the back of Rocket’s overalls as the small mammal snarled on top of the metal table. Groot was playing a video game in the corner, studiously ignoring all of them. This was the scenario that two senior agents walked in on when they came to question the group that had cause such a fuss at customs. The older of the two had a lined face devoid of all emotion. The younger wore the same expression that Quill always got when he had multiple jokes to make and couldn’t decide which one he should use first.

“Rocket,” the older agent began, his gaze squarely on the modified raccoon, “what the hell are you doing back in this quadrant?”

Abruptly, Rocket stopped pulling against Quill’s grip and turned to the newcomers. “Oh, hey, Kay,” he chirped, giving a genial wave with one hand. “How’s it going?”

“Of course you know one of them,” the younger agent added in, rolling his eyes to the ceiling. “You know every damn one that comes through here, don’t you, Methuselah?”

Agent Kay forged ahead, clearly used to ignoring his partner’s commentary. “Things are going pretty good. Or at least they were until you and yours caused a scene in our entryway.” The look he leveled at each of them in turn was a parent’s best version of ‘I’m not mad, just disappointed.’ Quill actually flinched a bit under such a disapproving gaze. “Didn’t you promise me you weren’t coming back here?”

“Technically I think I promised you that I had no interest in returning at the time when we last spoke,” Rocket corrected. “How was I supposed to know I’d eventually partner up with a Terran who wanted to visit the homeworld?” He gestured to Peter. “Strictly personal visit.”

“You’re Quill?” Agent Kay narrowed his eyes, sizing Peter up. “Peter Quill?” Peter shuffled his feet, suddenly feeling very much like a schoolboy who’d been caught doing something he wasn’t supposed to be doing. Deciding it might be best to say nothing—especially in a place where Rocket had apparently been noticed before—he simply nodded. “Son, are you the kid that went missing from Missouri back in the eighties?”

Closer to the door, the other agent threw up his hands. “Oh, so we’re just gonna slide right into how you know him, too? Are we ever going to deal with aliens you don’t already know?”

“Calm down, slick. This one ain’t an alien.”

“Dude left before Clinton was president. He might as well be an alien.”

“You’re being kinda rude, you know, Kay,” Rocket intervened. “Not introducing us to your partner and all.”

“Yeah, Kay, you’re being rude,” Kay’s partner agreed, stepping up beside him and slinging an arm over his shoulder. “Y’all can call me Agent Jay. Why don’t we start with you explaining why personal business requires your ship carrying enough weapons to make a dent in a Kree war band?”

Peter stretched a hand up to rub at the back of his neck. “It’s kind of a hazard of the job. We help people.”

“Oh, yeah, we know all about that.” Kay nodded, shaking off Jay’s arm. “Denarian Dey of the Nova Corps took our call personally when he found out you’d been detained. Guardians of the Galaxy. Saviors of Xandar.” He leaned against one of the walls of the holding cell, his hands tucked into his trouser pockets. “Thing is, Earth already has their group of heroes. The Avengers. Even had an alien on the team for a while.”

“Kinda blew the need for us staying a secret agency out of the water,” Jay grumbled, quiet but still audible, “but no one ever said bureaucracy made sense.”

Gamora finally let go of Drax and stepped forward. “We’re not here trying to do anyone’s job for them. We’re just on vacation.”

“Yeah, we even left most of the weapons on the ship!” Quill chimed in.

Agent Kay raised a single eyebrow and lifted one hand to knock on the wall beside his head. A large rectangular section of the wall turned transparent, revealing the room on the other side. In that room several junior agents were sorting the weaponry that had been confiscated from the Guardians. Laid out on the table were over a dozen knives—all courtesy of Drax—and Gamora’s telescoping sword. Against one wall an agent was carefully categorizing Quill’s sidearms and collection of explosives and thievery tools. Against another wall two more agents were in an absolute tizzy over the guns and engineering supplies Rocket had been packing. Since he’d promised Quill not to cause too much trouble, he’d only been carrying the supplies to build one Hadron Enforcer.

“What?” Rocket asked with a shrug of his shoulders. “That’s, like, half of what we usually take when we go planetside.” As they watched one of the guns discharged, leaving a massive black scorch mark on a wall just inches to the side of one of the agents.

Dragging a hand over his face, Peter sagged. “We might be a little paranoid,” he admitted.

“Oh, a little paranoid?” Agent Jay’s voice went up in pitch. “Y’all’ve blown right past a little paranoid into doomsday prepper territory. If you were looking to put down roots I’d expect you to be asking for a damn fallout shelter.”

“Why would we need a shelter to put down roots?” Drax asked, staring straight at Agent Jay. “Shelter would prevent the plants from getting necessary nutrients and they would die.”

Collectively, everyone in the room except for Drax closed their eyes and took a deep breath. It had been a long day all around. No one wanted to deal with explaining what Jay meant. As one they seemed to come to a silent agreement to just pretend that the Destroyer hadn’t said anything at all. “Alright then,” Agent Kay said after a long, tense moment. “I think I’ve heard all we need.”

“You have?” Gamora, Peter, and even Agent Jay asked at the same time, various notes of incredulity in their voices.

Kay leaned out the door and gave a few instructions to the agent outside before turning back to them. “We’ll get your papers processed and get you out of here.” He clasped his hands in front of him at parade rest and stared at each of them in turn. Only Groot, still busy with their video game, ignored him. “Welcome to Earth. Don’t let the locals know where you hail from. When you’re assigned disguise apparatus you will be expected to use them.”

“We’re letting them go!?” Jay practically shrieked. “I know you’re joking with me right now.”

“Kid, you know better than to expect a joke out of me in the office.”

“So, let me get this straight,” Peter started, coming around the table to stand in front of the agents. “You detained us at customs, impounded my ship, took all our weapons, lectured us, and it was all what? Just a waste of time?”

Motioning Quill forward with two fingers, Kay leaned in and lowered his voice. “While we kept the five of you busy, your empath friend told the worms everything she knows about you. Lovely, forthcoming lady she is.” 

“Kay, why are you getting radio from the worms and I’m left in the dark?” Once again, Agent Jay went ignored.

Agent Kay straightened up, raising his voice to address them all once again. “We’ve determined that while your merry little band of outlaws might very well be the cause of dangerous incidents, you don’t seem to cause them on purpose. It’s more a combination of happenstance, big mouths, and, frankly, terrible luck. Can’t ban you from visiting just for that. Wouldn’t be fair.”

“So, we’re free to go with no restrictions?” Rocket asked, a hair’s breadth away from rubbing his hands together in glee.

“Oh, not even remotely. We might not ban you, but we’re damn well going to keep a close eye.” Kay turned to his partner. “Put on your happy host hat, slick, and go requisition the big van. We’re gonna escort these fine folks on their visit to our humble little planet. Their entire visit.”


End file.
